Amidst crushing poverty, ignorance and toothless smiles, Alabama legislator proposes the one measure to save his state: Ban some books!
In Alabama, Johnny can't read. And neither can his 'special friend,' Joey.
Gerald Allen, a representative in the Alabama state legislature, is squealing like a pig to pass a ban on "the purchase of textbooks or library materials that recognize or promote homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle."
I'm not for banning books but how about a ban on states like Alabama where racism, discrimination, ignorance and general backward thinking -- in the name of moral values -- are recognized and promoted as acceptable lifestyles?
Said Allen to Guardian writer Gary Taylor:
Should this bill pass this week, Alabama's likely already-barren library shelves -- Allen's targeting any library that receives public funding, so universities, public schools and public libraries -- will contain an even greater dearth of materials.
I mean, they'll have to get rid of things like "Heather Has Two Mommies," in addition to works by Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote, Alice Walker and Joel Schumacher ("The Lost Boys" and "St. Elmo's Fire" gone forever). Allen doesn't mention that removing "The Color Purple" from library shelves not only saves Alabamians from destructive homosexuality but conveniently eliminates a book about blacks, as well.
Will his ban also eliminate subscriptions to newspapers and magazines that write articles about 'dem gays'? Current events must also be part of this evil scourge sweeping society, so maybe Allen will supplant new editions of periodicals with 1950s issues that promote squeaky clean morals while concealing deep hatred, repression and fear.
And what about music by Elton John, Queen and K.D. Lang? I take it the show tunes selection will quickly diminish as well.
What does Allen think the state should do with these Weapons of Homosexual Yearning (WHY)?
Well, bury them of course. The same thing people like Allen probably do with their latent homosexual tendencies:
Not to be crude, but I bet Allen's inner self is really looking forward to seeing that big hole. If the bill passes, I suggest a group of well-oiled gay dancers digs the trench as Allen looks on in repressed mouth-watering hunger. Costumed mascots dressed as Sponge Bob and Teletubby Tinky Winky can dance around the hole as Bert and Ernie argue over who gets to throw copies of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" into the gaping chasm.
Meanwhile, on the bare shelves of public libraries, new materials can replace the homosexual ones: George W.'s favorite, "My Pet Goat (Makes Funny Noises When Anally Violated)," the complete works of Ann Coulter (til Alabama legislators discover she's a man in drag) and the Christian Coalition's two-page version of "The Joy of Sex." (First sentence: "Good Christians know there is no joy in sex." Next page follows with instructions on how to procreate in the shortest order possible.)
Those Alabamians who have evolved past mouth-breathing are trying to stop Allen's messiah-like mission. The Alabama Library Association, long-suffering in its mission to spread the disease of literacy, passed this resolution in opposition to the bill's passage.
Meanwhile, I say instead of burying the books in the big hole, send 'em on over to the already morally-soiled and literate people in the blue states. After all, we paid for them.
Gerald Allen, a representative in the Alabama state legislature, is squealing like a pig to pass a ban on "the purchase of textbooks or library materials that recognize or promote homosexuality as an acceptable lifestyle."
I'm not for banning books but how about a ban on states like Alabama where racism, discrimination, ignorance and general backward thinking -- in the name of moral values -- are recognized and promoted as acceptable lifestyles?
Said Allen to Guardian writer Gary Taylor:
"Traditional family values are under attack," Allen informs me. They've been under attack "for the last 40 years". The enemy, this time, is not al-Qaida. The axis of evil is "Hollywood, the music industry. We have an obligation to "save society from moral destruction". We have to prevent liberal libarians and trendy teachers from "re-engineering society's fabric in the minds of our children". We have to "protect Alabamians". LINK
Protect Alabamians from critical thinking, culture and that destroyer of minds -- reading.
Should this bill pass this week, Alabama's likely already-barren library shelves -- Allen's targeting any library that receives public funding, so universities, public schools and public libraries -- will contain an even greater dearth of materials.
I mean, they'll have to get rid of things like "Heather Has Two Mommies," in addition to works by Tennessee Williams, Truman Capote, Alice Walker and Joel Schumacher ("The Lost Boys" and "St. Elmo's Fire" gone forever). Allen doesn't mention that removing "The Color Purple" from library shelves not only saves Alabamians from destructive homosexuality but conveniently eliminates a book about blacks, as well.
Will his ban also eliminate subscriptions to newspapers and magazines that write articles about 'dem gays'? Current events must also be part of this evil scourge sweeping society, so maybe Allen will supplant new editions of periodicals with 1950s issues that promote squeaky clean morals while concealing deep hatred, repression and fear.
And what about music by Elton John, Queen and K.D. Lang? I take it the show tunes selection will quickly diminish as well.
What does Allen think the state should do with these Weapons of Homosexual Yearning (WHY)?
Well, bury them of course. The same thing people like Allen probably do with their latent homosexual tendencies:
Allen said that if his bill passes, novels with gay protagonists and college textbooks that suggest homosexuality is natural would have to be removed from library shelves and destroyed.
"I guess we dig a big hole and dump them in and bury them," he said.
Not to be crude, but I bet Allen's inner self is really looking forward to seeing that big hole. If the bill passes, I suggest a group of well-oiled gay dancers digs the trench as Allen looks on in repressed mouth-watering hunger. Costumed mascots dressed as Sponge Bob and Teletubby Tinky Winky can dance around the hole as Bert and Ernie argue over who gets to throw copies of "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof" into the gaping chasm.
Meanwhile, on the bare shelves of public libraries, new materials can replace the homosexual ones: George W.'s favorite, "My Pet Goat (Makes Funny Noises When Anally Violated)," the complete works of Ann Coulter (til Alabama legislators discover she's a man in drag) and the Christian Coalition's two-page version of "The Joy of Sex." (First sentence: "Good Christians know there is no joy in sex." Next page follows with instructions on how to procreate in the shortest order possible.)
Those Alabamians who have evolved past mouth-breathing are trying to stop Allen's messiah-like mission. The Alabama Library Association, long-suffering in its mission to spread the disease of literacy, passed this resolution in opposition to the bill's passage.
Meanwhile, I say instead of burying the books in the big hole, send 'em on over to the already morally-soiled and literate people in the blue states. After all, we paid for them.
posted by imp @ 9:25 AM
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